let the cowboy fight

The other day my friend and I were talking about life and the future and being 23 and getting older and all those things that young adults obsess about from time to time. Thankfully by the time we began eating strawberry ice cream (courtesy of the fresh waiter), the somewhat depressing conversation was sort of over and I was able to enjoy the pink spoonfuls of sugar. 

Now that I think about it, most of the chat was a pep talk. From me to him. But my friend also reminded me of a few things – like how much I use to love taking portraits. I was so head over heels in love with photography and then I just dumped it… cold. No explanations. My relationship with photography can probably best be described as a cheesy, cliche romantic comedy like Lola Versus.

I miss it. I really do miss it. I know everyone and their catz owns a freaking SLR or Polaroid cam or an iPhone with Instagram, but I am actually really good at taking photos. I know how that sounds. Awful. Cocky. Yeah Right. But it’s true. It’s one of the few things that comes easy to me. Like eating. & Sleeping. & Cracking backs. & biting my nails.

I sort of know why I stopped taking pictures so avidly. Mainly it has to do with other people. But no, actually, it’s because I was afraid of failure. I think I preferred to keep photo on a pedestal and let writing and film and editing become part of my life. It was the pressure, I guess.

Sometimes I hesitate picking up the camera even though I have a lovely one. It’s because I’m in my 20s and I feel like it’s too late. I see kids like Tavi Gevinson and Petra Collins and they do inspire me to DO what I wanna do, but they also demoralize my keen spirit. Their success makes me feel old and dumb and less shiny.

Why is that? I wonder if I’m alone in this. Am I a lonely star up in the dark black sky? A couple of years ago I said that my goal was to make a movie by 26, and I’m still pretty far away from that age. I have to make it happen. I have to do it. I have to stop letting the success of other people, younger people bring me down. I have to do it for me. This is my life damn it. I can’t keep being Miranda July. I have to move. I need to shoot people. I need to film people. I need to tell stories that aren’t about burned out directors or Suspiria remakes or lame sequels or Lindsay Lohan. I need to edit and make art. I need to create. I need to let the cowboy in me get into bar fights and shoot a few rounds. I need to stay on topic. Ha! I need to do that documentary I said I would do. I have footage for god’s sake! I need to finish that screenplay I started. I need to finish that photo project and many more. I need to cut my hair. I need to go back to red. Yeah, I think I’ll go back to red.

I’m sorry I got off topic or perhaps confused some of you. Alright. That’s all.