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i can’t speak in code

There’s this constant battle inside of me to view the world a certain way, the way other girls do. I sometimes wish I could talk in code. Be able to bat my eyelashes at some guy and make a cryptic comment about his shirt or hands or feet. I can’t. I’m not that girl. But every girl around me seems to me. Of course there are a few exceptions, but I won’t name any names. Those are the girls that I feel most comfortable with, and I will latch on to them forever, or my idea of forever anyway.

The other day I sat down at my kitchen table and talked to my mom about, surprise, men. She had a few questions for me, but being the person I am, I had no answers. I don’t know why, but flirting is just not a “charm” I possess. I think I did once when I was a teenager, but that’s debatable. The truth is I can probably have a better conversation with a guy than I can with any girl and yet, I’ve come to learn that stupid (and I call it stupid only because I can’t master it) cryptic conversation will always win over good, substantial conversation. Hopefully one day I’ll come across a guy who prefers the latter.

is it you or is it me? is it you or is it them? who’s different? who’s the same? who’s outgrown who? and who’s just closed themselves off to world of make-believe bitterness?